I managed to catch up with A during the week, with intentions to discuss plans to move out again. During the ‘catching up’ talk I had asked about his flatmate J. With the mention of this A quickly lit up and proceeded to tell me this story.
A few months ago the Dragonball Z series had been airing at 8:00 in the morning. Within the first few episodes into the series A and J were hooked, managing to wake up everyday to catch the show. On a Friday morning A had gone to Uni to do work, J parked in front of the TV to catch one of the last episodes of the series.
8:00 AM. The show didn’t air.
When A arrived back home it was clear that J was in a bad mood.
What’s wrong?
They didn’t show Dragonball today!
Maybe it’s a mistake, only from Monday to Thursday starting from this week, or something.
Maybe I’ll wait til Monday.
8:00 AM. The show didn’t air.
Again.
Sailor Moon was on instead.
Within the first seconds of the Sailor Moon intro J rushed to the phone, demanding the phone number for the TV station.
Instead of talking to a program director, J began to hammer the secretary of the station with his complaint.
Hello, Channel 10. How may I…
Where is Dragonball?!?
Excuse me?
Why isn’t Dragonball on?!?
Err… I’m sorry. You’ll have to speak…
There were only three more episodes! Why weren’t they shown?!?
I’ll put you on hold…
There’s no better way of getting rid of a cartoon-obsessed, 25 year old maniac on the phone, so I’ve been told.
I’ve told myself time and time again, it’s stupid to expect different results from the same behavior.
And look at where it’s got me…
I’m stuck. I’m stuck in a limbo, between listening to good advice and not wanting to lift a finger. I’ve found myself relying on past triumphs to dismiss recent failings.
False optimism…
I feel like a hamster on the wheel, constantly running, and getting nowhere. Even before I jumped onto that wheel, I already knew I wasn’t going anywhere…
And doing it again and again won’t change anything.
Thinking about that gets me even more depressed. At least a hamster is staying healthy, exercising. I’m just smoking my lungs out by the beachside, dreaming of ways to spend the $16 million dollars I will win in the next lotto jackpot.
I’ve always had confidence in myself. Others have too. But I haven’t backed my words for three years now.
I feel like a con man. I don’t want to make any more empty promises. Especially to those I love.
